On the Go

It is hard to travel when you're a mom. Sometimes, if I am completely honest and why not be totally honest on the world wide web, I really want a break. I wonder what it would be like to be in another place, to be another person, to live another life. I compromise with myself and settle for a little vacation (business trip), but the drama of traveling with a baby/toddler is far from relaxing on any level. So, to travel and adventure outside of the three foot radius of comfort my daughter allows me to be from her is a great challenge. The challenge is in relaxing. Relaxing although my baby is not squirming in my arms. Relaxing without the background white noise of words and moans. Relaxing knowing that she is somewhere playing with her baby that she refuses to dress, watching Elmo sing his ridiculous songs, or drinking her sippy as she sees someone or something for the first or millionth time and pauses to reflect. When we are with them we want a break. When we are away from them we want them close. The tension is ridiculous. Today I turned the television on in my hotel just to have some noise. I keep looking down and around my legs trying not to step on the little person I can't see but feel so close to me. How can it be that I am forever lonely. Lonely for my girl when I am away from her and lonely for my sanity when she is clawing at me because sleepy bear needs a new diaper (tenth diaper of the day). On the go, always on the go. Running around to catch up and trying to slow down to fall back in line. I love going, and I don't want my daughter to suffer because I have this overwhelming need to go go go. I just can't wait to get her in my arms again, but I must embrace this evening as I sit alone but completely surrounded by people. This loneliness is comforting because it reminds me that there is more substance to my life than just me and my own wants and needs. There is a missing part that makes life more wonderful than any vacation or adventure. My little precious, who is at home and sleeping in her crib, far away but so close to my heart I can smell her, hear her, feel her.

To Whoever Reads this Blog

I can see people reading this, but I don't know who you are. Maybe just the buds I sent this to, but either way. Thanks for reading and please talk back. I want to know that we are not alone in this mess of life. I will keep writing as I can. But one voice is not as lovely as many. :)

Mean People

Recently, I have run into--well to be more honest--recently, I have slammed into-- some very hurtful moments with people who I trusted. When I think about Amelia growing up, I think about a little person meeting other little persons. I imagine here running into all sorts of folks. I want her to love everyone, but I don't want anyone to hurt her. I understand and accept, at certain moments, that I cannot control her life, but I want to with everything inside of me be an example of Jesus so she can face anyone and at anytime.
I hurt. I hurt because people who I trusted hurt me, and they have no idea. They don't care, and I wander if they will ever have the depth to perceive what they have done. They love Jesus, too. Although we share HIM, I don't want to share anything else with them, and that is the problem. Everyday they are in my physical space, and, because I am far from perfect, they have invaded my spiritual and emotional space, as well. I want to shut them out in the cold, where I feel they belong.
I don't know where the balance is of letting go and learning within the bounds of love. As I allow these people to stay in my life and stay in my daughter's life, how can I tell Amelia that God is love and not be an example of love to them and to her? These moments are what love is made for. Creation sings Salvation's Song. All around us, we are reminded that we are drowning in grace. Only by drowning can we truly keep our head above water. I am a sinner saved by grace, but right now I am drowning in something. It is not grace.
To write in conclusion that hurt is just a part of life and we have to learn from life..blah..blah..blah.. is to neatly fit this situation in a box. The problem I have with that is that there is not a person-sized box in my heart. Little boxes for little problems, but I need some larger boxes and some larger tape to keep them in the box. I hurt, I hurt because people I trusted hurt me, and they have no idea. "Amelia, Jesus loves us soo much," I say to her all of the time. Is Jesus' love enough to heal the hurts and push out the darkness and teach us how to live with these wretched people? Jesus' love has to be enough, or I am quitting this gig for an easier road.