On the Go

It is hard to travel when you're a mom. Sometimes, if I am completely honest and why not be totally honest on the world wide web, I really want a break. I wonder what it would be like to be in another place, to be another person, to live another life. I compromise with myself and settle for a little vacation (business trip), but the drama of traveling with a baby/toddler is far from relaxing on any level. So, to travel and adventure outside of the three foot radius of comfort my daughter allows me to be from her is a great challenge. The challenge is in relaxing. Relaxing although my baby is not squirming in my arms. Relaxing without the background white noise of words and moans. Relaxing knowing that she is somewhere playing with her baby that she refuses to dress, watching Elmo sing his ridiculous songs, or drinking her sippy as she sees someone or something for the first or millionth time and pauses to reflect. When we are with them we want a break. When we are away from them we want them close. The tension is ridiculous. Today I turned the television on in my hotel just to have some noise. I keep looking down and around my legs trying not to step on the little person I can't see but feel so close to me. How can it be that I am forever lonely. Lonely for my girl when I am away from her and lonely for my sanity when she is clawing at me because sleepy bear needs a new diaper (tenth diaper of the day). On the go, always on the go. Running around to catch up and trying to slow down to fall back in line. I love going, and I don't want my daughter to suffer because I have this overwhelming need to go go go. I just can't wait to get her in my arms again, but I must embrace this evening as I sit alone but completely surrounded by people. This loneliness is comforting because it reminds me that there is more substance to my life than just me and my own wants and needs. There is a missing part that makes life more wonderful than any vacation or adventure. My little precious, who is at home and sleeping in her crib, far away but so close to my heart I can smell her, hear her, feel her.