Mean People

Recently, I have run into--well to be more honest--recently, I have slammed into-- some very hurtful moments with people who I trusted. When I think about Amelia growing up, I think about a little person meeting other little persons. I imagine here running into all sorts of folks. I want her to love everyone, but I don't want anyone to hurt her. I understand and accept, at certain moments, that I cannot control her life, but I want to with everything inside of me be an example of Jesus so she can face anyone and at anytime.
I hurt. I hurt because people who I trusted hurt me, and they have no idea. They don't care, and I wander if they will ever have the depth to perceive what they have done. They love Jesus, too. Although we share HIM, I don't want to share anything else with them, and that is the problem. Everyday they are in my physical space, and, because I am far from perfect, they have invaded my spiritual and emotional space, as well. I want to shut them out in the cold, where I feel they belong.
I don't know where the balance is of letting go and learning within the bounds of love. As I allow these people to stay in my life and stay in my daughter's life, how can I tell Amelia that God is love and not be an example of love to them and to her? These moments are what love is made for. Creation sings Salvation's Song. All around us, we are reminded that we are drowning in grace. Only by drowning can we truly keep our head above water. I am a sinner saved by grace, but right now I am drowning in something. It is not grace.
To write in conclusion that hurt is just a part of life and we have to learn from life..blah..blah..blah.. is to neatly fit this situation in a box. The problem I have with that is that there is not a person-sized box in my heart. Little boxes for little problems, but I need some larger boxes and some larger tape to keep them in the box. I hurt, I hurt because people I trusted hurt me, and they have no idea. "Amelia, Jesus loves us soo much," I say to her all of the time. Is Jesus' love enough to heal the hurts and push out the darkness and teach us how to live with these wretched people? Jesus' love has to be enough, or I am quitting this gig for an easier road.