On the Go

It is hard to travel when you're a mom. Sometimes, if I am completely honest and why not be totally honest on the world wide web, I really want a break. I wonder what it would be like to be in another place, to be another person, to live another life. I compromise with myself and settle for a little vacation (business trip), but the drama of traveling with a baby/toddler is far from relaxing on any level. So, to travel and adventure outside of the three foot radius of comfort my daughter allows me to be from her is a great challenge. The challenge is in relaxing. Relaxing although my baby is not squirming in my arms. Relaxing without the background white noise of words and moans. Relaxing knowing that she is somewhere playing with her baby that she refuses to dress, watching Elmo sing his ridiculous songs, or drinking her sippy as she sees someone or something for the first or millionth time and pauses to reflect. When we are with them we want a break. When we are away from them we want them close. The tension is ridiculous. Today I turned the television on in my hotel just to have some noise. I keep looking down and around my legs trying not to step on the little person I can't see but feel so close to me. How can it be that I am forever lonely. Lonely for my girl when I am away from her and lonely for my sanity when she is clawing at me because sleepy bear needs a new diaper (tenth diaper of the day). On the go, always on the go. Running around to catch up and trying to slow down to fall back in line. I love going, and I don't want my daughter to suffer because I have this overwhelming need to go go go. I just can't wait to get her in my arms again, but I must embrace this evening as I sit alone but completely surrounded by people. This loneliness is comforting because it reminds me that there is more substance to my life than just me and my own wants and needs. There is a missing part that makes life more wonderful than any vacation or adventure. My little precious, who is at home and sleeping in her crib, far away but so close to my heart I can smell her, hear her, feel her.

To Whoever Reads this Blog

I can see people reading this, but I don't know who you are. Maybe just the buds I sent this to, but either way. Thanks for reading and please talk back. I want to know that we are not alone in this mess of life. I will keep writing as I can. But one voice is not as lovely as many. :)

Mean People

Recently, I have run into--well to be more honest--recently, I have slammed into-- some very hurtful moments with people who I trusted. When I think about Amelia growing up, I think about a little person meeting other little persons. I imagine here running into all sorts of folks. I want her to love everyone, but I don't want anyone to hurt her. I understand and accept, at certain moments, that I cannot control her life, but I want to with everything inside of me be an example of Jesus so she can face anyone and at anytime.
I hurt. I hurt because people who I trusted hurt me, and they have no idea. They don't care, and I wander if they will ever have the depth to perceive what they have done. They love Jesus, too. Although we share HIM, I don't want to share anything else with them, and that is the problem. Everyday they are in my physical space, and, because I am far from perfect, they have invaded my spiritual and emotional space, as well. I want to shut them out in the cold, where I feel they belong.
I don't know where the balance is of letting go and learning within the bounds of love. As I allow these people to stay in my life and stay in my daughter's life, how can I tell Amelia that God is love and not be an example of love to them and to her? These moments are what love is made for. Creation sings Salvation's Song. All around us, we are reminded that we are drowning in grace. Only by drowning can we truly keep our head above water. I am a sinner saved by grace, but right now I am drowning in something. It is not grace.
To write in conclusion that hurt is just a part of life and we have to learn from life..blah..blah..blah.. is to neatly fit this situation in a box. The problem I have with that is that there is not a person-sized box in my heart. Little boxes for little problems, but I need some larger boxes and some larger tape to keep them in the box. I hurt, I hurt because people I trusted hurt me, and they have no idea. "Amelia, Jesus loves us soo much," I say to her all of the time. Is Jesus' love enough to heal the hurts and push out the darkness and teach us how to live with these wretched people? Jesus' love has to be enough, or I am quitting this gig for an easier road.

Last night Russ and I had our weekly meeting. We get together with young adults once a week and talk about God and our relationship with him and others. I always find myself challenged at the end of the night. We sing and we share and we pray and we learn. I love it because I feel a part of a community. What I don't love is coming to grips with my areas of weakness and sin. I like to pretend I am okay and I am more than willing to pretend others are okay if that is what they want. I want so much for these gatherings to utterly change me and my life, and at the same time the unavoidable discomfort of change worries me a little. I see church changing. Worship and expectations and focus and delivery. C.S. Lewis writes about maturing in faith and practice is accepting that there are better ways to do certain things, just because that is the way we have always done it doesn't mean that is the only way. The balancing insight he adds is that we also must not assume that just because something has not lasted the test of time or popularity means is was/is not worth our while.
I am part of a new generation of faith and the church. I am excited that change is in the air, but I am hesitant to embrace it because change for the sake of personality and preference is not part of the big C church's goal. Change for the sake of Jesus is. What cracks me up is to imagine my mom and dad forty years ago... hippy hair and bell-bottom pants throwing the peace sign and dreaming of the day when CHURCH was not about suits and ties or hymns but about Jesus and needy people. The world seems to be in utter chaos, and yet there is nothing new under the sun. I would love to hear your thoughts on this, ladies. Please share.

I'm Sad

I was tempted to just wallow in self-pity by myself today, but then I remembered that this is what the blog is for. Days like today when the sun is shining and my wonderfully family is happy and healthy, but I am so sad I can barely stand it. At the risk of being perceived as a fruit cake or a basket case, or whatever, I am reaching out and saying it is hard being a girl sometimes. Sadness creeps up on us, followed by pain and regret and frustration. Feelings that provoke thoughts that rage in my heart and poke at my mind. Emotions whispering and shouting, and each time I turn around they become silent, which makes me feel more crazy. AM I ALONE? Or do I just feel alone. Even if it is just a feeling why is it so hard to believe anything but what I feel. Deep breaths, a nap, some chocolate. I'm pretty sure Anne of Green Gables put it best, "I'm in the depths of despair!" she would cry then burry her head in the pillow. I may not be a teenager anymore, but my heart doesn't seem to realize that today...I think I hear my pillow calling.

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Tell your story. How you got where you are or what you are doing right now. Help us get to know you better.

Mistaken Miracle

As the year quickly landslide's its beginning, I am caught off guard. I have yet to figure out what went right and wrong with last year, and I wish I could catch time even if I only get to hold it for a moment before it runs away again. I am searching and searching the facts of this past year and I keep coming up short on facts but full on feelings. Feelings of great sadness and immeasurable joy. Moments of gentle hope and jagged despair. Too much too fast and too little too late pile up on one side of the scale, while relentless grace and salvation’s love pile up on the other side of the scale. The past year is over and done with me, but I am not over and done with it. My life must weigh out and matter for something or someone. The scale teeters.

I realize suddenly with full arms that I am my own teetering scale. The strain of holding experiences and dreams and truths and myths. I am either in the middle of a great mistake or a great miracle. Sometimes I feel like I am God's first mistake. He could not possible have meant to do this or that. He left me on the stove too long or forgot to pick me up from school, either way... He dropped the ball, or would it be the world? Anyway.... Seconds later, I am cornered by my pride. The arrogance to think that every other human is meager in comparison to me, God's favorite. The scale teeters.

Instead of being a mistake, maybe I--we-- are not what we think. I am reminded of those silly posters that were sold in rickety old mall kiosk when we were younger. You remember? Those pink and blue warped images. I vividly recall hoards of people standing there gawking with wide open mouths and awkward faces at those silly images. All trying desperately to see the image, each one wanted to be the first in the group it find it. "You see it? I see it! Wait, no I lost it." The dude running the kiosk approaches, "Now, look at the picture, don't see nothin' right. Now look at it but don't look at it." What is he talking about? "Let your eyes go out of focus, you'll see it." Thanks, dude. Nothing like a philosopher running a kiosk. I always got excited when I finally saw it, even if it was a poor excuse for a flying eagle looking thingy. We try so hard to focus and make it all work. We initially strive for perfect and eventually fight for just getting by. The images around us are so out of focus. "Let your eyes go out of focus. You'll see it."

Just because the year is done does not mean the lessons learned and the life lived, booked ended by a date, is done. The mistake is to take the easy way out, throw a tantrum that I am now well-versed in recreating thanks to Amelia, and tap out of this apparent mess I have made. The mistake is not sticking around long enough to see how my Glorious God will make a miracle. Life is not a timeline, a history book, or seamless race. It might be more like a picture, coming in and out of focus. The scale keeps teetering, and part of pretending to be a grown-up is learning to live with my scale as it rocks back and forth. Life is too short and too fast to not embrace the mistaken and believe for the miraculous.

Let's Laugh With Each Other!

Share a ridiculous moment you have experienced in the last few months. It can be about you or not!

Guilt

Guilt. Yes Guilt. Why beat around the bush? I deal with guilt all of the time. Guilt that I am doing too much, and guilt that I am doing far too little. I fill my day with activities and feel guilty that I did too much. I take time to be more of a vegetable than a person and feel guilty I did nothing to improve my home or my daughter. Why do we expect so much from ourselves? Guilt drives me to get soo much done; however, I am contemplating the cost of carrying my little guilt buddy around all day. My back hurts. I want to be alright with myself. Do you?